The Falcon's Malteser
The first chapter introduces Nicholas 'Nick' Simple and his older brother, Herbert Simple, who goes by the pseudonym 'Tim Diamond'. They live in a flat above a supermarket in Fulham, and are down on their luck, with hopeless Herbert not being able to get a suitable job. The first chapter also introduces Johnny Naples, a vertically-challenged South American who comes to the office carrying a suspicious package, and acting as if he is being trailed. He tries to explain the situation, whilst Herbert tries (and miserably fails) to put on a hardman act. When Naples offers them £300 just to look after the package, 200 now and 100 if the package is safe on the day he returns, Herbert accepts – but from the very start, Nick is dubious. The next day – after going to the cinema to see 101 Dalmatians – they find their flat turned over by someone during the day. Luckily, Nick took the envelope with him. After a sleepless night repairing their apartment, they check the mail to find a note left by 'The Fat Man'. The Fat Man, Herbert says, is the biggest criminal in England, involved in almost any crime there is – armed robbery, arson, theft and armed burglary are some of the things Herbert lists. The note demands that the Diamonds meet him in Trafalgar Square It turns out that the pseudonym Fat Man is rather inappropriate – when the man himself is finally revealed, he is one of the thinnest men Nick has ever seen, with the rings on his fingers slipping off almost constantly. He says his doctor told him to lose weight, so over the past year he has eaten yoghurt and lost 135 kg. Almost pleasant conversation elapses into threats when Nick tells the Fat Man that they do not have the box. However Herbert trying to fool the Fat Man causes him to realise the package hasn't been stolen. The Fat Man then gives Nick and Herbert two days to find the box. When they return home, they discover that what is in the package is nothing more than a box of Maltesers – a very popular type of sweet in Britain, with a crunchy centre coated in milk chocolate. Dumbfounded as to why Johnny Naples would pay them nicely to look after a box of chocolates, they visit the (fictional) Hotel Splendide after a quick enquiry at a shop traced using a sign on the envelope, with the keeper saying that the owner of a hotel in Portobello Road mentioned to him that a dwarf was staying at his hotel. When they go to Room 39 at Hotel Splendide however, they arrive at exactly the time that he is shot. Nick rushes into the room just in time to see someone jumping out of the window to safety. Naples opens his mouth and is able to say "The sun...", and then "the falcon...", before he dies. A plain-clothes police man, disguised as a drunk in the street, arrests them, and they are sent to Ladbroke Grove Police Station, where Herbert's old boss, Chief Inspector Snape, accompanied by his violent assistant Boyle, arrives to question them. Snape – who could not stand Herbert during his service there – apparently forms a grudging respect for Nick when he realises how smart he is for his age. When Nick offers to tell Snape everything the Diamonds know in exchange for what the police know, Snape begins to tell his story. The Falcon that Naples mentioned with his dying breath is the alias of the late Henry von Falkenberg, an English-German international criminal who had been living in La Paz, Bolivia, when the police last heard of him. Snape describes him as a great criminal, being involved in all sorts of crimes all over the world (Snape's various locations include Russia, Canada, Holland and England). The Falcon would only deal in one currency – uncut diamonds. Snape and the police suspect that the Falcon had stashes of uncut diamonds in many cities around the world, including London, which was the base of his operations. When the brothers inquire into how Johnny Naples fits into all of this, Snape tells them that he was a quack doctor living in La Paz, with a run-down practice in the city's backstreets. However, with the Falcon, his luck changed. A month earlier, as he crossed the road to catch a plane to London from El Alto Airport, the Falcon was mown down by a bus, and Johnny Naples was the doctor who rode back to the hospital with him, in the back of an ambulance. Although the Falcon died on his way to hospital, he seems to have passed on a secret to Naples about a large stash of diamonds in London, with an estimated value of £3,500,000. With this knowledge, Naples quit his job in Bolivia soon after the Falcon's death, and caught a flight to England. The police picked him up in passport control at Heathrow, before losing him for a short while, until they found him at the Hotel Splendide in Portobello Road. The police were watching Naples, because of various criminals that, they suspected, would also be interested in the diamonds, and would be tailing him so they could inquire about the diamonds. Snape then begins to write up, on a blackboard, the number of people who might have had an interest in the diamonds: *'The Fat Man': The number one criminal in England, the Fat Man had often done deals with the Falcon, according to Snape, and he probably knew where Naples was staying before the police did. Also, if the Fat Man had £3,500,000 he could probably become an international criminal himself, the next Falcon. *'Beatrice von Falkenberg': The Falcon's Dutch wife, Beatrice von Falkenberg was once the greatest actress in the Netherlands. The Falcon fell in love with her when he saw her in Othello in the title role. But he never apparently told her where the diamonds were hidden. Therefore, she would probably want to know. *'William Gott and Eric Himmell': Gott and Himmell were German, but they were educated at Eton. It is largely implied that they murdered the P.E. instructor, the local vicar, and the deputy headmaster, who was found hung with his own school tie. They were the Falcon's two lieutenants, and arrived in England the day after Naples. *'The Professor' aka Quentin Quisling: Professor Quentin Quisling (his name is not mentioned until the chapter The Professor) was once the Falcon's technological whiz-kid, inventing various things for the Falcon. However, a year previous to the book, he goes missing. According to Snape, he could be dead. Snape then tells Herbert he is a suspect, mainly because they were found with Naples dying, in his hotel room, just moments after a gunshot rang out – and Herbert was holding the gun that had killed the dwarf. The Chief Inspector then demands why Naples came to the Simples in the first place. Nick tells him that he'd been looking for protection of some sort. In the end, Snape lets them go, but with a caution, saying he doesn't believe them and neither will anybody else. They head over to a fast food restaurant called Grannys, as a publicity stunt only Grannies are hired, where they chew the case over. Herbert suggests sending Nick to Australia or to Auntie Maurie in Slough, who has a semi-detached house, and a semi-detached hip, and often forces Nick to give her round the clock nursing. However Nick says he would feel safer with Herbert, as the Fat Man could kidnap him. They then decide to find out where Johnny went. After finding a matchbox from a nightclub called The Casablanca Club (a nod toward another one of Humphrey Bogart's movies), they decide to pay the club a visit. At home they find the Club is open, but their cleaning lady Betty Charlady says no good will come of it. Quickly, they find that Naples must have been a regular there – a waiter mistakes Nick for him, and offers him a bottle of free champagne, and a singer called Lauren Bacardi (a take-off of film noir star and Bogart's wife Lauren Bacall) asks of Johnny's well-being. However, just moments after the brothers feel they are getting somewhere, Bacardi is snatched by two shady figures in a blue van. Nick manages to step onto the back of the van, but as the van hits 60m/h (96 km/h), he is thrown off and into a wall of cardboard boxes, perhaps he could have held on but he was half drunk. After getting a taxi during the night, Herbert discovers the next day that the Falcon's funeral is being held at Brompton Cemetery, nearby. Most of the suspects that appeared on Snape's chalkboard had arrived to 'grieve' for the Falcon. Nick spots the Falcon's wife, who pretends to mourn for her loss. They encounter the Fat Man, who tells them their time is up. On the way home Nick buys a box of Maltesers as a decoy, At their flat they find the Fat Man's chauffeur Lawrence dead. Snape then arrests them, but Nick is let out the next day, although he tells Herbert not to reveal what Naples gave them. Nick is intrigued by Beatrice's fake mourning and visits her after she calls him. The Falcon's widow, Beatrice von Falkenberg, claims that she deserves the diamonds (she is really poor and has had to sell all her property except her mansion) and threatens Nick with an alligator to make him promise to give her the Maltesers. Nick goes back to the hotel, where Naples was staying, to investigate, while Snape keeps Herbert for interrogation. In the midst of finding some scientific words scrawled in rough English on some scraps of paper, a grenade is hurled into the room and the hotel is destroyed. Nick escapes, narrowly avoiding an assassination attempt by the hotel's owner Jack Splendide, and discovers from him that it was the Fat Man who threw the grenade into the room, having paid the Owner to call him if Nick came back. Nick leaves the hotel owner hanging over the flyover and leaves the hotel, not knowing what happened to him and not really caring. Back in the flat the following day, Nick is visited by the Professor, one of Snape's suspects, who offers Nick half the Falcon's money if he gives him the Maltesers. Nick gives him the fake packet and follows the Professor halfway down the road, but then is intercepted and kidnapped by Gott and Himmell, the most dangerous criminals in pursuit of the Maltesers. They threaten Nick with death over some tea and ask him for the Maltesers. Nick sends them to Victoria Station where he has said he has left the Maltesers in Locker 180, but in reality he is just buying time, for Gott and Himmell have also kidnapped Lauren Bacardi, Naples' girlfriend. They are both tied up and left in a locked room but Lauren frees herself, revealing she was once an Escapologist's assistant. Nick and Lauren almost escape Gott and Himmell's apartment after Nick climbs through a window and unlocks the door to the room but just as they get out of the room they were locked up in, the assassins return. Nick pushes a Beethoven piano out the upper-story window with Lauren's help onto the assassins' van, injuring them. Nick and Lauren then return to Lauren's apartment where Lauren reveals more about her life with Naples and how he saw the truth in John Lewis in the city. They both go to John Lewis but meet Gott and Himmell, and they try to elude them and Nick ends up in Santa's Grotto, but Himmell shoots Santa and Nick escapes. Nick and Lauren return to the apartment and Nick just realises he has discovered the truth – the barcode on the Maltesers opens up the Falcon's bank account. Nick arranges a meeting in Brompton Cemetery with the Fat Man, Gott and Himmell. Gott and Himmell arrive, bringing Herbert, whom they have kidnapped. Nick tells them the truth and the Fat Man and Himmell shoot each other. Gott tries to shoot the Simples, but then is shot by the Falcon's widow, Beatrice, whom, it turns out, was the Simples' housekeeper all along. She tries to shoot Nick and Herbert but in doing so the police arrive and arrest her. Nick, Herbert and Snape open the Falcon's bank account in his grave, and inside they find – nothing. It has turned out Lauren has stolen the diamonds because she worked out the truth. But in one last gift she sends Nick and Herbert a Malteser – a Malteser with a diamond inside. Nick realises it must be valuable and decides to do something useful with his Christmas holiday, like going skiing, though Tim breaks his leg before they get on the plane and the money is wasted on fixing the leg.